Category: personal

personal

A goodbye to John

@ReneeRoberz

On St. Patrick’s Day 2021, my beautiful, brave, funny, kind Stepdad John passed away after a valiant, relentlessly positive battle with brain cancer.

John was your textbook fabulous Dad – we all were so lucky to have him model what a great parent, and a good person, is. He was supportive, he was kind and generous and always saw the good in people. A card I received in the days following his death, summed it up perfectly: “He was the Dad we all wanted to have”, too true.

In the midst of the grief and pain of his final few days, my brother and I could not join the rest of our family in NZ due to the border restrictions that were in place due to COVID19. Like many other families, those living in separate states and countries have been kept apart, not just for happy occasions, but also being unable to work through the grieving process as we know it.

John “being cool”, finding a way to enjoy Melbourne and have the “best holiday ever” while undergoing treatment for brain cancer. Ever the optimist.

During those days, our family spent a lot of time talking about what John has taught us, how he has influenced our lives, and was one of the best role models. John was always doing good – through teaching, being a good friend, a good father, a good grandfather, a good husband.

Everyone’s ‘doing good’ is different, and it’s too easy to compare ourselves to others. John never boasted, he didn’t showcase, he was always modest. Even the things he was the best at (creating, designing – anything really, even down to a handmade Fender guitar) he would never show them off in a way that could make anyone else feel less-than.

Over the past 20 months, our family has had a lot of time to reflect, and much of what has driven that has been John’s attitude to life and Mum’s selfless care of him during that time. Grief has a funny way of changing the lens through which you see the world. Doing good – and continually striving to do better – has been the lesson I’ve taken from this.

Of course, reflection is easy, action can be hard, especially when it seems the world is turning upside down. During this period of reflection some of the ways we’ve shifted our lives around to honour John by trying to ‘doing more good’ have been:

  • Moving back to the nonprofit space – it’s where my heart is and while I don’t have the skills to work on the front lines during the pandemic, the least I can do is use the skills I do have to help those that do (major plug for Life Without Barriers – an incredible organisation filled to the brim with the most wonderful people).
  • Working hard to shift our small business to a social enterprise model (I make jewellery) – this is a big job but we’re almost there!
  • Prioritising time with one of the coolest humans on the planet, our 3 year old ❤️

Arohanui sweet John, forever in our hearts. My hope is that, as Luca says, from your star in the sky, you look down is us all and are proud. That’s really all any of us want.

Career, how to learn, Leadership, personal, Reflective practice, Slow Thinking, Thinking differently

Sit down & chill the hell out (AKA why you should be meditating)

@ReneeRoberz

There’s 10,000 reasons to chill the hell out (AKA meditate), but I’m going to lead with what I see as the most topical for right now.

Relaxation.

When was the last time you actually relaxed? Not when was the last time you took a break, or got a workout in, but when did you last relax?

“Relaxation isn’t a luxury. In the world we live in, it’s a necessity. The everyday tension and stress that accompanies life in the 21st century can be debilitating to our mental and physical health. We need something deeper than an occasional treat. We need something that will get to the root of the problem.” – Yael Shy

Do you ever pause? From work, home, doom-scrolling on social media. When do you take time out to just be? 2020 was a year of big learning for me, one of the biggest being that doing the same old thing to de-stress just didn’t seem to work any longer. I’ve got a list (surprise surprise) of things that I need to do when I feel myself getting run down:

  1. Say no to more – works every time
  2. Eat better – works every time
  3. Exercise (for someone who genuinely hated PE at school this one took a long time to get on board with) – much to my disappointment at the work required, works every time
  4. Meditate…

During 2020 I got the list out. I hit everything on there every day, but the shitstorm that was last year just kept coming. On top of the list of things we all had in common, the border restrictions meant that I couldn’t get home to see my family in New Zealand while some pretty major things were happening. Honestly, it was pretty hard.

So I was doing the list.

I’ve been ‘meditating’ on and off for the past 15 years – every health professional, every popular speaker seems to espouse the same advice. Meditation is good for you. And I felt like I was doing it. I had all the apps and ticked every box, but it just didn’t really work for me. I figured it was a slow burn – “they” say that even if you feel like it’s not working, you should stick with it. So I did, to no avail.

Towards the end of 2020 though, something changed, I tried a variety of types of meditation (I know, seems obvious in retrospect) – but low and behold I’ve gotten results.The things I did differently:

  • I set up a space for meditation. This doesn’t need to be 100% dedicated, but I have an old wooden chest I bought secondhand that sits in the corner of our bedroom – it’s decorated with things that make me happy, beautiful candles and incense, a picture from my little boy. It’s a warm spot where I want to spend time – and because I see it every day, I’m being constantly reminded to take 5 minutes.
  • I prioritised myself and didn’t let ‘getting busy’ get in the way of taking some time. There are always jobs to be done – at work and around the house. But you can’t do any of that well if your energy is always depleted. Meditation is one way I can refill my energy reserves.
  • I tried different forms of meditation. That one about the cars or clouds passing me where I’m meant to observe them? That does nothing for me. I’ve been focusing on objects, sound baths, guided meditations from different meditation practitioners. Just because one form of meditation doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t mean others won’t.
  • I listened to podcasts/read books about meditation, the science and different approaches. I like to know why something is working – the most impactful thing I’ve learned? Meditation works differently for everybody, so if you’ve tried and failed – maybe try approaching it differently.

The best resources I’ve found:

  • Podcasts, obviously. Current favs are 10 Percent Happier (Dan Harris) and Wake me Up (Tyler Brown).
  • Apps – Insight Timer is my favorite. There’s a paid version, but the free version has a huge variety of content. This one is fabulous. Spotify is another gem, you can find beautiful soothing music or nature sounds to help you get in the zone.
  • The internet is gold here. There’s a host of resources out there, for a basic introduction on the types of meditation out there, start here https://www.headspace.com/meditation/techniques

You might have sat down & chilled out/meditated before and gotten out of practice – or it might be something you’ve never tried before. I wholeheartedly encourage you to take 10 minutes today for yourself, no matter how well, or terribly your day is going.

Difficult Conversations, Leadership, personal, Thinking differently

It’s OK to not be OK right now

@ReneeRoberz

Today I felt really sad.

I’m normally fairly positive in my interactions with people, I’m incredibly fortunate in that I love what I do and I get to spend my days working with people who are absolutely brilliant and incredibly passionate about why they do it. This kind of energy is infectious.

My happy place – coincidently it’s also Vito’s happy place. As long as I’m stuck-throwing 100% of the time we’re there

But ups and downs are normal, especially when you’re living through a f***ing pandemic – there’s no one that’s escaped the impact in some way. I count myself fortunate to live in Victoria Australia – the site of one of the stricter lockdowns, but it meant that for more than the past month, there have been no COVID19 infections in my state.

Something I’ve noticed in my friends, family and colleagues is the way they’ve handled themselves during this insanely difficult time and their ability to get on with it. Lost jobs, supporting others, sickness, death, increased workloads, working while also doing childcare… no one has escaped unscathed.

But we’re people, we can be incredibly resilient, but life’s challenges still impact us.

I’ve got friends who have felt like they’ve failed in some way because they’ve found this hard. They’ve found it hard to cope with the unique combination of circumstances that they’ve been dealt with. They’ve felt guilty because they perceive they’ve “got it better” than someone else. Because they’re seeing others put on a front, keep their ‘work face’ on, an Instagram account that’s full of thanks and joy, carefully curated to give the impression of a perfect and resilient life.

I’ve felt this way – I felt this way today.

Some of the moments that I’ve found to be most impactful over the past year have been when I’ve seen leaders, I respect share the struggles they’ve had. It’s not been easy! And letting people know you have bad days (or weeks, or months) is important. It shatters the illusion that some people have magically got it all together.

You don’t need to be afraid upsetting someone by sharing where you’re at. Real leadership is supporting others where they are. Acknowledging privilege is important – but no one has a monopoly on suffering and pain, uncertainty and anxiety and grief.

So you know what? Today was tough. I cried and then later I put on a face when I was at work (AKA on Zoom).

But that’s ok, it’s normal to find these times tough. Make sure you reach out for help if you need – I’m here, as are many that love you. If you need help, no matter which country you live in, you can find resources here.

You are loved. You are enough. And I promise it’s ok, no one around you really has their shit together either.

Leadership, personal

The whole world turned upside down: brain cancer & awesome workplaces

@ReneeRoberz

In June this year my life took an unexpected turn. I had my parents (John & Jenny) visit from New Zealand, they said it was to visit Sam and I (but I knew the truth, my 2-year-old was the main attraction).

After an action-packed week of Aquarium and Zoo visits, and tramming their way all over Melbourne they were ready to go home.

One day before they were due to leave, Mum and I took John, my wonderful, kind, generous Stepdad, to the hospital after some headaches and confusion.

The outcome of that long ED visit was a Stage 4 GBM (brain cancer), brain surgery, chemo and radiation. Their short stay, arranged during school holidays, was then extended indefinitely as we fought this. They ended up staying with us an additional 9 weeks.

I cannot help but look at the past couple of months and see some of the best lessons of my life playing out.

The biggest part of that lesson for me was a personal one. Despite his diagnosis, despite the uncertainty and surgery and tears from us all, John has been unashamedly positive.

* Positive because of the incredible care he received at the Royal Melbourne.

* Positive because of the doctors, nurses and staff who took the time to care for him.

* Positive because, despite the circumstances, we had unexpected bonus-time as a family together, with my brothers and sister visiting from NZ and America.

* Positive because of the outpouring of love from family, friends, colleagues, strangers, and ex-students of my parents who sent messages of aroha and support from near and far.

* Positive in continually repeating that he’s lucky, he’s got a great life, and wife(!) and wonderful kids, it could all be so much worse.

John manages to find good in everything, and everyone. (after you meet his Mum, Nana Jean, you know where this comes from). The one nurse who during his time in hospital was a little short, hungover and on her phone? He refused to complain, because “you don’t know what’s going on in someone’s life, she might be having a really hard time”. John is the definition of positivity and love. I’m so fortunate that he came into our lives when I was a kid.

The second biggest lesson was what I experienced, along with each member of my family during a really tough time. My parent’s employers (Devon Intermediate, and Frankley School in NZ) were both amazing. They made organising time off easy and they sent messages full of love and hope. They sent tins of tea and flowers and fruit. They contacted us and asked what would help and listened.

My work (bloom hearing specialists), and, in particular my direct manager, have been nothing but incredible. While I’ve been on the HR-end of many crises, that’s not the same of the overwhelming sense of thankfulness you get when your manager makes it clear that there’s nothing that matters more than being there with your family. When your colleagues forgive your absentmindedness and don’t mention your horrendous eyebags/unkempt hair after another sleepless night. When you are encouraged to do what is right for you and your family, knowing it really is OK.

This post is part thanks, and part encouragement. Encouragement to do what you know is right, and treat others with empathy and love. At the time you might not consider it something monumental, especially when you know someone is going through *big* things. But every message, every small gesture meant an incredible amount to us as we grappled with all we had to deal with during this time, and it won’t be forgotten.

* John & Jenny have now returned to New Zealand, leaving our two-bedroom house very quiet.